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View Full Version : In Love with The Ghost - My first Phic =]


Ghost For Hire
06-03-2009, 03:44 PM
This is my first, and it's still in the making, so I hope you like it!!!


****************

Part 1

*Christine*


As I lay here I wonder: Would it be so bad? Would I be so unhappy? I am in my room in the dormitories of the Paris Opera House. I have just returned from Erik's...What? House? Not really....Lair? Sounds like the pit of hell....Domain. Actually, the whole Opera House is Erik's domain, but the cellars are the only place people acknowledge as his. He showed me the dress today. A simple but beautiful lily white wedding dress with beautiful embroidering on the bodice and a scoop neck with long sleeves and a along train. I also took off his mask. A horrible thing to do, I know, but i had to see. He frightened me at first, with his yelling and screaming, but it's really not quite so horrible as one would imagine. His skin is paper thin on one side, and his veins are quite visible, with a few scars here and there, but no at all like Mr. Buquet described. And although Erik frightened me, I know he would never hurt me. I thought I loved Raoul, but now I realize that was a childish love of long ago. But Erik's love is a fierce, burning passion that consumes me, Mind, body and soul. And His voice. When he sings his voice envelopes me and caresses me me like a gentle breeze caresses a flower on a warm, sunny day.
*******************************
Raoul wanted to take me out to dinner tonight, but I
refused, saying that Erik does not permit me to go out at
night. "oh", he replies, "So he's your master, now is he?"
He know's Erik has been teaching me, but before now, he
didn't care, thinking it was all in my head. "No" I reply
quietly "He...he's my lover". He shouts at this. "Your
what?" " I love him!" I shout back. In a fit of rage he
picks up a candlestick and throws it at the mirror on my
vanity, breaking it into a million pieces. "He turns to
me. "fine then. He can have you!" And then he stalks out
of my room and slams the door. I drop into a chair and
start crying. Suddenly I hear a soft, comforting voice.
"Come my Angel. Come with me, away from people who only
seek to hurt you". Erik is there, beckoning me with those
gloved hands of his, and I float towards him. He lifts me
into his embrace and carries me down his candle-lit
passage way. I rest my head on his shoulder. " I love you"
I whisper. I don't know if he heard me. His warmth
surrounds me and I drift off into a dreamless sleep.
*************************************


I awake to the beautiful sound. I am lying in Erik's swan
bed. My eye's travel the room and rest on Erik, siting at
his organ. I quietly slip out of bed and slide next to him
on the bench. "My Angel" he say's, "I am so sorry to have
woken you up". "Don't be" I reply, " I could think of
nothing more wonderful than to wake up every morning for
the rest of my life to such beautiful music ". And then I
kiss him. I hear his sharp intake of breath as he pulls
away and runs his fingers through his hair. " Christine,
there is something I must ask you. Last night...you said
you loved me. Did you mean it?" I smile. " Yes Erik. With
my mind, body, and soul I meant it". And I kiss him
again, and he lingers a bit longer before pulling back.
"Then before we go further, I must ask you this." He slips
a ring out of his pocket and puts in on my ring finger.
" My Angel....Will you marry me?" My heart bursts with joy
as tears roll down my face. "Yes Erik. A thousand times
yes!".
************************************

O.k, that's all for now. What do you guy's think ?

Ghost:BrokenHeart:

Hidden Away
06-04-2009, 12:17 AM
Aww that's so cute! I'm not much of a mixer with original characters, but this I already like :D
this is really sweet and nice. I like the simplicity of your words, but it does deliver a nice story. I'm only going to ask something and say something else:
Question: When does this occur?
Statement: I'm not so much with the critiquing and technicality of the story of Phantom of the Opera, but I will do so if you ever ask. I'm sure that Laura (Ange de Musique) or Rose (A_Single_Rose) to critique (Worships at both of their feet)
I'm just a writer here as well, not so much of the reviewer, but I can't wait till you write more :D
I shall await to see what you plan for the reader next :D

Ange de Musique
06-04-2009, 05:20 AM
This is, on the whole, an enjoyable read. I like your descriptions and vibrant adjectives. However, there were several things which, to me the reader, distracted from the story.

A few things I noticed:

"As I lay here I wonder..." The underlined word should be: lie. Lay is the wrong tense for first person. ;)

"A simple but beautiful lily white wedding dress with beautiful embroidering on the bodice and a scoop neck with long sleeves and a along train." I believe the first underlined word should be: embroidery, and the second, obviously, a typo! :D

The main 'biggie' here is the somewhat awkward jump between the first and second paragraph. It felt almost as though the first section was Christine's diary and the second was back to present tense. You were describing the past, then jumped to the present tense.

"When he sings his voice envelopes me and caresses me me like a gentle breeze caresses a flower on a warm, sunny day." Wow, this sentence was very poetic! Wonderful, lush imagery and flow of words.

One other little detail I noticed was often the direct quotes run together. When, Raoul is talking, and you switch to Christine, there should always be a paragraph. That way when you're reading you're not left wondering, "Who said what?"

Nice job! This story has potential! I like how you write. It's very vivid. ;)

~Laura

P.S. Aw...*blushes* Thanks for the compliment, PJ! :)

Ghost For Hire
06-04-2009, 12:52 PM
*Eeeps*
I'm glad you guy's like it!!!
Erikismyangel5: The time it occurs is when she first comes back from Erik's "house". It's mostly part of the ALW version, but I'll probably mix Leroux and Kay in there somewhere =] According to my version, Christine picks Erik instead of Raoul (the way it SHOULD have happened ;] )

Ange de Musique: Sorry about the typos!!! And as for the awkward jump, I noticed that, but I wasn't sure how to change it =/ I'm glad you guy's liked it!!!!!!!!

I'll try to get the rest up soon, but there are no guarantees. I'm kinda slow writer, but I have lots of idea's for this phic!!!! Noting to tragic, just a simple love story =]

Ghost

Hidden Away
06-05-2009, 12:03 AM
Ha! I bet I'm slower than you, the only reason I had cranked so many chapters out so soon on this site was because I had written it before.
Hummm, ALW you say. I've based mine mostly off of the 2004 and a slight addition with a few Kay things slipped in haha! but that doesn't matter!

I just beware that a few people are hardcore Raoul/Christine people, but I guess they can understand.
I'm now that kind of writer that is slow...but you know so things just don't remain the same.

PJ

A_Single_Rose
06-05-2009, 03:15 AM
(PJ, you are simply too much sometimes... *sigh* But muchas gracias for the wonderful compliment.)

This is overall pretty good, Ghost. Laura has already pointed out the typos. What I have to say is slow the story down a little. As Laura said, it jumps too quickly. I felt, as a reader, that I was just getting into one scene and then all of a sudden, I'm whirled around into another scene.

Add more details, though I too love the sentence "When he sings his voice envelopes me and caresses me me like a gentle breeze caresses a flower on a warm, sunny day." Very eloquent and it evokes a pleasurable feeling.

So add more detail, emotion and background. Flesh out the characters more.

Keep up the great work. I see this story going far. :)

A_Single_Rose

Hidden Away
06-05-2009, 10:08 PM
(PJ, you are simply too much sometimes... *sigh* But muchas gracias for the wonderful compliment.)

This is overall pretty good, Ghost. Laura has already pointed out the typos. What I have to say is slow the story down a little. As Laura said, it jumps too quickly. I felt, as a reader, that I was just getting into one scene and then all of a sudden, I'm whirled around into another scene.

Add more details, though I too love the sentence "When he sings his voice envelopes me and caresses me me like a gentle breeze caresses a flower on a warm, sunny day." Very eloquent and it evokes a pleasurable feeling.

So add more detail, emotion and background. Flesh out the characters more.

Keep up the great work. I see this story going far. :)

A_Single_Rose

Naw, I'm not too much :D ya just to modest :D haha! I totally own a zillions to you!