Really, super wierd version of The PHantom OF the Opera

[the phantom's girl]

Ok this is my first fan fic so don't be too hard on me! Ok I tried to make it humorous, so if you think that it is too wierd, or it is too serious then just tell me! Also it kind of takes place in modern times, so yea. Ok here it goes!!

Our story all starts when Christine and Raoul are at the mall.

Raoul: Beutiful, just beutiful!

Christine: Raoul, we've been in the make-up store for an hour, can you please stop looking at yourself in the mirror for a minute?

Raoul: You gorgous creature you!
Raoul starts to kiss and hug the mirror, while Christine looks on, aparently freaked out.

Christine: Raoul! You can do this at home, but not here! Please! There are other people who might want to buy that!

Raoul: I'll never let them take my precious away from me, never! Not for anything! Not even for...

Sales Person: Special! New! Strawberry lipgloss sure to make your lips shine!

Raoul: I'm coming!!!!

Raoul runs to the sales person knocking the lipgloss out of their hands, then smughing it on his lips. Christine follows very embarressed.

Christine: Sorry, he hasn't been normal lately. (mutters) He's never been normal.

Sales Person: Umm it's ok, but you know you're going to pay for that.

Christine: Uh sure, one sec.

Raoul notices that the lipgloss is all gone, and starts screaming and pulling on the Sale Person.

Raoul: GIVE ME MORE!!! I MUST HAVE MORE!!

The Sales Person, not used to Raoul's personality (who is?) starts to scream and runs around making Raoul even more upset, and also causeing Raoul to case the Sales Person.

Christine: (sighs) why did I chose him again?

Sales Person tosses Raoul a shiny object, making Raoul stop to inspect it.

Raoul: Ooo! Shiny!

Christine: Umm. Raoul, I think that I'm going to go to a different store, so, how about I'll meet you back here in an hour or so?

Sales Person: What? You're leaving him here! With me? AHHHHH!

The Sales Person runs back into the employes only room.

Christine: Hmmm. I think that I have an idea.

Christine picks up the shiny object and throws it in the employs only room, then blocks the enterence.



All right I'll continue when I get three veiws.

[Phantomess]

That was really funny! Raoul and his cherry lipgloss.... :). By the way I posted the second chapter of Christine's Grave. Woohoo! Finally! But yes, write more phantom's girl!

[the phantom's girl]

Hey Whitney! Yea! You posted! Good Girl! Oh yes, may I remind you that it is Strawberry lipgloss!

[the phantom's girl]

Ok I've gotten nine views, but no replies? :( Aww I feel sad.

[the phantom's girl]

Guys, is it really that bad? Well, maybe if I update someone will reply.


Ok we last left off with Christine locking Raoul will his strawberry lipgloss and a very unlucky Sales Person in the employes only room.

Christine: Ok, now that I got rid of him for a few hours I can go to my stores.

Christine walks through the mall when she sees a store called Black Dungons.

Christine: Hmmm, I've never been here before, I'll see what they have.

Christine walks in and sees that the room is entirly black, Christine's curiosity gets the best of her and she keeps on going deeper and deeper into the darkness.

Christine: Hello? Is anyone there?

Voice: Why yes,my Angel.

Christine turns around to see............................................... ..............

Ok it's not who you think it is

Dun Dun Dun Duuuuuuuunnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

Ok people, please reply! Reply even if you think that its bad! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! Constructive criticism would be appriciated. :)

[Phantomess]

Um... suspenseful! Wee! I wonder who it could be....

[the phantom's girl]

Sniff, sniff, me and Whitney are the only ones here, sniff, sniff

[Erik]

Hey, umm...I think it's really funny, and cute! But it's kind of more like a playwrite more than a story...Funny though! :D

[the phantom's girl]

thanks Sam, sniff, sniff I think that i'll just ask to have it locked since no one reads it, sniff, sniff

[Erik]

No, don't get it locked! People will read it! And plus, not everyone who reads it comments!

[the phantom's girl]

Maybe people will like it better if I wrote it in non script version...........

[Erik]

I don't know. It's really cute though! ^_^

Do you write anything else? Other stories, poems, or songs? I'd love to read them!

[the phantom's girl]

Thanks! I have some poems, if you want I'll PM them to you.

[Erik]

Yay! Fun! I love reading other people's work! It makes me feel all important and editor-y. Yes. New word there :)

lol. Sorry, I'm a writer, too. It's what I do!

[the phantom's girl]

Ok Sam I'll PM my poems to you, and I would love to read anything that you've written too, just PM it to me. Ok UPDATE! I'm going to try to write it in a diferent form this time, tell me if you like it!


Christine slowly turned around to see........ a person she had never seen in her life.

"Who are you?" She asked.

The voice who spoke was a man. The man was wearing a texido adn had his hair slicked back with so much gel that Christine could see it shine in the darkness. The man grasped her wrist and pulled her toward him. Christine screamed in pain and clawed his arm. The man laughed and picked her up. Christine tried to call for help, but her cries were smothered by the stranger's hand. The man ran farther into the darkness and entered a room. He locked the door and put Christine down in a chair. Christine could now see that the man had black hair, and penetrating black eyes. He, in a word was hansome, he had a nice bulid and strong arm with bulging muslces.

The room in which he had put Christine in was white, which stuck out in the black store. The room was simply furnished, with a bed and a bathroom. The curious thing that the room with held was a small area that resembled a prison. It had a grimy looking bed enclosed in it and on the outside, bars. Christine shivered, not just because of her fear, but because of her fate which she could not predict.

Suddenly the man turned around, grasped her and demanded

"Tell me everything you know about Erik."


Ok I know it sucks, but reply anyway! :)

[Angel_Of_Music0_G]

Wow thats really good! You have inspired me to write! Please countinue on Please!

[the phantom's girl]

Wow im inspiring people! How touching! Thanks Melissa! Sooooo, do you guys think that I should keep writing it in non-script form?

[Why So Silent]

::snicker:: Sooo funny. ^_^ Keep it up, now I'll check this out every update! I didn't know what it was about before...¬_¬

[Beneath the Opera]

^Great! Brava, brava, bravisima! PM me when you get more up.

[getzell]

This is really good you have to KEEP GOING

[Silverstream]

I love it!
I liked it in script form, because me and my best friend were acting it out (man I was crazy Raoul!) But, in story form it's also really good.
Go about it anyway you want, it's brill!

[dumbledorelover]

Yeah... I actually thought it was better when you wrote it in play form- and when it was making fun of Raoul. That lip gloss thing was GENIUS.
lol

you said you'd accept constructive critisism!

[MystMoonstruck]

I guess I'm a Raoul fan, and I don't see anything in his nature that makes a satire possible. If we saw him being foppish--which we never do, then I would get the humor. I do admire your style though. I just don't care for cheap shots at a character unless there's a basis for it. Raoul isn't egotistical that I can see, or else there would be room for making fun of him.

Now, if Piangi was dieting, as the Phantom suggested... Or, if you reduced the Erik/Raoul conflict to childish bickering...

Sorry. Perhaps I'm being a crabby old lady.

But, don't let any criticism keep you from writing since others don't seem to mind the Raoul gibes. If Raoul is "fluff", shouldn't Christine be, too? Then, they'd be ditzy couple.

Continued good luck with writing!

[Jacqueline L'e Phantome]

U gotta bash Raoul more it's funny! and I'm hooked so... Write like the wind!

[MystMoonstruck]

Jacqueline, I wasn't certain if a moderator had contacted you about this yet, but your posts need to be 20 words or more with no spam. Also, I think they discourage usages such as "U" for "You". I just came from rereading "The Corpse and His Bride" and noticed that your critique was very brief. You might want to add more at places you left remarks.

How sad that people encourage Raoul bashing. I know it's up to each person to form an opinion, but baseless slams aren't really satire. There has to be an inkling of Raoul being a fop in order to obtain fun from portraying him in over-the-top behavior. I'm aware that this is a common practice, but, as a fan of satire, I know that the funniest bits are those that take a characteristic and play upon that. For example, Erik could be playing with his "dolls"; Christine could fall for the Angel of Music line from practically anyone who comes along; Raoul could hover around Christine far too much.

I apologize for rattling on like that. I simply find "cheap shots" disappointing in writing.

[life_is_a_day_dream]

Well she really isnt bashing it seems as if she is writting on what a lot of people say about him and it makes the story flow.



Keep up the Grate work.

[amintakristine]

Hey, I'm reading! I just read it all now. It's REALLY funny so far! Sounds like something I'd write. XD Awesomeness! Keep it goin'!

[MaskedNicci]

Well she really isnt bashing it seems as if she is writting on what a lot of people say about him and it makes the story flow.


Keep up the Grate work.

First of all, it IS bashing.

BASH: to attack physically or verbally. That's the definition of it. But personally, I see more problems than bashing here. Or even the fact that every canon character here seems out of their original characteristics. I do not mean to sound cruel, but this is how I see it.

First: Every author(ess) needs spell check. There are plenty of programs that can help you with that. Every author on this site, or any other, has made spelling errors. The good ones correct them before posting. This is an extremely good habit to fall into. In the first chapter(nay, first paragraph), you spelled it beautiful as 'beutiful' twice. You also said 'enterence', and I believe you meant 'entrance'.

Second: Parodies normally allow more freedom when it come to setting, time period, etc. But you need to tell us more than 'Christine and Raoul are at the mall'. There were no malls in their time. How did they come to the mall when no malls exist? Is this a present-day story? Or did they use time-travel? How did that happen? Even parodies don't allow for too many questions, methinks. If they were just at the market/equivalent of a Victorian 'mall', I don't think there was lip gloss. Or a sales person stupid enough to start running around screaming. (S/He might lose sales that way!)

Third: Oh, and that lip gloss joke? Anybody who's read more than 6 phanphiction knows that joke is starting to get old. REALLY old. I read quite a bit of phanphiction, myself. I've read stuff that makes me cry, stuff that makes me laugh, and stuff that makes me want to vomit. Overused jokes in parodies sometimes makes me vomit. I know this sounds harsh, but it needs saying. Funny is as funny does, you know? Try and come up with stuff that's hilarious that hasn't been joked about until raw.

Fourth: Parodies are meant to be funny, not taken seriously. I know this. Parodies make 'fun' of the negative aspects of characters. But that doesn't mean we give them negative aspects that never existed. Raoul never showed himself to like lip gloss. Christine never showed a devious plotting side of herself. Why not have tons of fun with negativity that is TRUE to the character? Like Erik's obsessive-multi-personality-disorder? Or Christine's lack of a backbone(can be taken several ways)? Or Raoul's upbringing with ALL females in aristocratic society? Study the characters, and make everything about them DRAMATIC. Not a LIE. THAT is what I find funny. Not some made-up nonsense about lip gloss and the Vicomte suddenly acting like Gollum on a sugar high.

Please continue as you would, but if none of these are addressed, you'll have one less reader, I fear.

[Angel's Muse]

I don't want to seem like a person with no sense of humour, but...

You know the Raoul-lipgloss joke? About 1,000 other Raoul bashers have already written it. And it's the type of thing that gets old EXTREMELY fast.

What's more, it doesn't relate to the original POTO storyline in any way whatsoever. Just because Raoul kept his hair long, does that make him a fop? Where does it suggest in any way, that he's a girly-boy? In fact, that particular hairstyle was out of fashion in the period. So how is he a fop?

A way to make a story funny isn't to invent new characteristics that were never there in the first place. Exaggerate the characteristics that the characters already have, and it'll still be funny, just less cheap.

I can't go into detail, but there are a few spelling/grammatical errors that you need to take care of. I personally preferred it in the normal format rather than the script. It allows you to use your writing skills more creatively.

Please, don't take this personally or find it insulting. It's just some constructive critisism. And by all means, keep writing!

[MystMoonstruck]

Thank goodness! Supporters! I was afraid of seeming like the old crank, but others seemed so taken with this piece of writing that I figured I would be stomping on toes.

Writing is wonderful to do, but there's responsibility, too, including the mechanics of it (spelling especially). I hate cheap shots at characters, jokes that don't have a basis; and I don't understand having characters do stupid things they would never do just to try for a laugh. Thank you, Mascii and Angel's Muse!

Honestly, we're not being cruel, just guiding you to a better way of writing parody. The characters DO have quirks that could be milked for humor. For example: Carlotta could have so many poodles that she can barely walk; or, she has to have an entourage of poodle-carriers. She could go shoe shopping for just the right slipper to drink champagne from. I already mentioned other behavior that could be spoofed.

As the helpful ladies above you explained: The funniest stuff comes from exaggerating quirks and idiosyncracies.

[Night Music]

It's....okay....
I'm not one who really admires stories that really, change the personalities of the characters dramtically.
It's funny! I'll definatly give you that compliment.
But, it's just 'not my cup of tea.'

[Hidden Away]

OMG I love this! It's 2 funny and too die for!!!!!!!!!!! write more! when I write it's only serious, dramatic, romantic, and there's very few funny parts! Please read mine. If you think you need to lock your (which you shouldn't!) story, then mine should have never been written! Please read, I need people's opinion.....PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU

[death_shadows]

please ppl.....its ok to express ones opinion....but cant we jus get along?

[Victoria]

Aw this just made my day :)

Please post more! Oh wait, or is it done? I can't tell cause there's been a lot of discussion in between. Excuse my ignorance.

[Cornholian Phantomess]

First of all,this story is awesome!And so what?Who cares about pertaining to reality and time periods.Its fiction,remember?Fiction!Imagination!Its your own world where you can make anybody do anything!This is off the hook,I mean if this "H" were the hook,it would be all the way over by the next post.Its kind of like my story!

[phantom's_rose]

OH MY GOD, when I read this, I was cracking up and I still am!! OMG this is HILARIOUS!!!! PLEASE post more!!! I LOVE IT!

Raoul: You gorgous creature you!


That was it. I started laughing then. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! HA HA-OH MY GUT! That is what it sounded like. Yup!!

[Phan Girl]

This is one of the best stories i'veread its suspenceful and halarious. Please please keep going.(insert puppy dog pout)

[phantom's_rose]

Sadly people who want this to continue, I don't think the author gets on anymore. :(

[Ange de Musique]

Okay, I have read what you have written, and I can see everybody's points here, but I have to say...This is YOUR story, and several people have said they liked it, and to continue. Don't give the criticizers a second thought if you want to write more! They have a point, take that into consideration, but remember that this story is yours to do with as you will. ;)

I personally found the story highly amusing and quite suspenseful toward the end. From one writer to another: good job! :) If you desire to continue, please do so! You have loyal readers waiting. ;)

Have a great day!

Laura

[phantom's_rose]

Laura, I greatly enjoy your politeness. You couldn't get any nicer! Sorry, I just thought I would say that.

Yup, your story, you make the decions! You are the master. Well...James is the master (yo!) but you are the master of this story. ;)

[death_shadows]

yah i dont think they do either :(

[Hidden Away]

WRITE! haha! *evil brett laugh* buhahahahha!!!! I'm evil see!!!!!!!